Sunday, April 2, 2017

Change in Plans

Having irritated an old wrist sprain, I’m working on edits when I wanted to write fresh for the Camp NaNo novel writing challenge. ~sigh~ It still feels good to work on something.

And here’s an example. The original:

Nickolas stood abruptly, tearing the robe off in a violent gesture. It took an eternity to float to the floor. I barely breathed.

New and improved:

Nickolas bounded upright, tearing the robe off his arms. It took an eternity to float to the floor. I barely breathed.

What do you think? Better?
 
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10 comments:

  1. I like them both, but the word violent in the first one gives it that extra something. I hope your wrist heals soon.

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    1. Ooh. Good to know. I can probably incorporate the word another way. Thanks!

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  2. Nickolas bounding upright sounds too precious. I like the first version. But, I prefer "tearing the robe off his arms" better than the first. How's that for not making a decision?

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    1. Hey, I appreciate the opinion. Thank you!

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  3. I like the second especially the way you've used less words to create the same scene. Less is more in my book!

    I really should visit Brussels.I live very close to the channel ferry teminals so it's no distance for me. Apart from my annual visit to the Brugges Christmas Market I have seen very little of Belgium. You pictures are tempting me!

    Click HERE to read my 200-word tale

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    1. Darla, something odd happened with my comment - how the bit about Brussels ended up there I really don't know! I wrote it on someone elsea blog earlier! Feel free to delete!

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    2. Not a problem. I appreciate your opinion and plan to leave this here. Thanks for explaining. ~grin~ I worried that I was going crazy. I should travel before I get any older. ~sigh~ Happy Blogging!

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  5. I like the first one. I feel for you. It is so hard to edit and re-write until it feels right. I love this: "It took an eternity to float to the floor. I barely breathed." Hugs.

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    1. Thanks! Your opinion is valued. You are so gifted. I have a blessed array of talents to tap! ~happy dance~

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Thank you for taking time to share your opinion. Hearing from readers adds immensely to my joy of writing!