Having irritated an old wrist sprain, I’m
working on edits when I wanted to write fresh for the Camp NaNo novel writing challenge.
~sigh~ It still feels good to work on something.
And here’s an example. The original:
Nickolas stood abruptly, tearing the robe off
in a violent gesture. It took an eternity to float to the floor. I barely
breathed.
New and improved:
Nickolas bounded upright, tearing the robe
off his arms. It took an eternity to float to the floor. I barely breathed.
What do you think? Better?
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I like them both, but the word violent in the first one gives it that extra something. I hope your wrist heals soon.
ReplyDeleteOoh. Good to know. I can probably incorporate the word another way. Thanks!
DeleteNickolas bounding upright sounds too precious. I like the first version. But, I prefer "tearing the robe off his arms" better than the first. How's that for not making a decision?
ReplyDeleteHey, I appreciate the opinion. Thank you!
DeleteI like the second especially the way you've used less words to create the same scene. Less is more in my book!
ReplyDeleteI really should visit Brussels.I live very close to the channel ferry teminals so it's no distance for me. Apart from my annual visit to the Brugges Christmas Market I have seen very little of Belgium. You pictures are tempting me!
Click HERE to read my 200-word tale
Darla, something odd happened with my comment - how the bit about Brussels ended up there I really don't know! I wrote it on someone elsea blog earlier! Feel free to delete!
DeleteNot a problem. I appreciate your opinion and plan to leave this here. Thanks for explaining. ~grin~ I worried that I was going crazy. I should travel before I get any older. ~sigh~ Happy Blogging!
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI like the first one. I feel for you. It is so hard to edit and re-write until it feels right. I love this: "It took an eternity to float to the floor. I barely breathed." Hugs.
ReplyDeleteThanks! Your opinion is valued. You are so gifted. I have a blessed array of talents to tap! ~happy dance~
Delete