Showing posts with label PG-13. Show all posts
Showing posts with label PG-13. Show all posts

Thursday, October 19, 2017

Gotta Love My Dad - A Dirty Joke to Make You Smile

My father has a tendency to pass along amusing jokes. Today's is very dirty and absolutely hilarious.

Strippers and Dirty Old Ladies
 
Last night my Red Hat friends and I went to Ladies Night at a local strip club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone,
 another friend pulled out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licked the $20 bill, and stuck it to his other butt cheek.

In her attempt to impress the rest of us my third friend pulled out a $50 bill, called the guy over, and licked the $50 bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

Now
the guy turned to me! With everyone's attention focused on us the guy started egging me on to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.

What could I do?

The dirty old woman in me took over!

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks, and left.

~~~


What would you do in such a scenario? Hope you enjoyed a laugh and have a great day!

- 

Thursday, April 13, 2017

K is for Michael Kiwanuka


“Love & Hate” is a fantastic song. Mr. Kiwanuka really moves me with these lyrics. And the quietly soaring guitar toward the end raises the hair on my arms. If you play the video, be warned that the sound gets muffled when the point of view shifts behind the sound booth (there is nothing wrong with your speakers).



For K, I’m going to make up Knotty Pine, my ode to the final episode of “American Horror Story: Coven”. Hearing Jessica Lang’s evil character howl upon recognizing her eternal afterlife always makes me grin. My fake Knotty Pine foursome, however, plays old school country and western. One of the guys plays a wicked banjo.
I can’t resist sharing the great Johnny Cash covering Trent Reznor’s “Hurt”. 




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All the real tunes air on member supported WNKU out of the University of Northern Kentucky. The web page features the current playlist and live streaming.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

J is for Joseph


These three sisters from Portland, Oregon once again bring female representation to the challenge. I had the immense pleasure of hearing a live performance of “White Flag” early one Sunday morning and knew they had to be included in this. Their harmonizing blew me away. Also of note, Joseph isn’t the only folk act making an appearance (See Dawg Yawp under D). Am I mellowing as I age? Maybe a little, but I still listen to Marilyn Manson on a regular basis.




My fake band Jam Joy changed their name from Joy Jam as a self deprecating joke. The original salacious pun got switched when fifteen years at small venues failed to produce any studio interest. These aging artists insist they will continue to jam live for their loyal fans as long as they are able to stand upright and play. They sound a little like Cute Is What We Aim For.

WARNING: Not safe for work due to sexual content.




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All the real tunes air on member supported WNKU out of the University of Northern Kentucky. The web page features the current playlist and live streaming.

Monday, April 10, 2017

H is for The Heavy



I am listening to “How You Like Me Now” while typing this.  The Heavy is a British band, a fact that stunned me.  I pictured them hailing from the southern United States, maybe Louisiana. Apparently the tune has been sampled in the media numerous times. Somehow I missed out hearing the funk rock tune until more than six years after its 2010 release.


WARNING: this might not be safe for work. There is some nudity, though it’s cartoonish (!). I had a blast watching this one.




For a phony music group, I’d like to introduce you to Heartfelt.  Two female cousins started a tribute band honoring sisters Ann and Nancy Wilson of Heart.  They have been playing small venues nearly as long as their heroines.



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All the real tunes air on member supported WNKU out of the University of Northern Kentucky. The web page features the current playlist and live streaming.

Saturday, April 8, 2017

G is for Al Green

I have to give a shout out to The Reverend Al Green, so nicknamed because – why not? The man needs some sort of title with all that talent. “Here I Am (Come and Take Me)” came out at the end of 1973. Wrongfully, I believe, that was his last album to be certified gold. The man’s music is not in my collection, something I ought to rectify.



Today’s manufactured band is called Ground Zero. Born in the Cold War era, they continue touring on material from a single album. And that can happen. Just check out the Skatenigs (WARNING: the video below has mature language and is definitely NOT safe for work).



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All the real tunes air on member supported WNKU out of the University of Northern Kentucky. The web page features the current playlist and live streaming.

Saturday, March 18, 2017

Holding My Tongue

I had to practically race out of the YMCA this morning or risk swallowing my tongue. It was all because a man stood directly outside the woman's locker room. Normally I would greet someone so nearby.

But what could I say when he stood there holding this adorable stuffed rooster by the neck? I couldn't think of a single thing to say that wasn't risqué, not quite appropriate for my surroundings. Passersby probably thought I was having a stroke.

Should I have at least tried to say 'hello'?

-

Thursday, February 16, 2017

How Time Flies



It’s hard to believe another birthday has come and gone. I don’t do much to celebrate them anymore. Looking back on all the stupid stuff I did in my youth and didn’t die is quite adequate.

I mean, seriously, breaking up with a switchblade carrying hothead on a dark and lonely street? Painting my fingernails while driving to work? Distracting my driver by definitely not painting his nails?

At least I’ve retained my gleefully licentious nature, as you can tell, and enough loved ones to patiently laugh at my lurid joking. But now I’m just a dirty old lady instead of a hotly pursued paramour.

Loping toward the surprisingly attainable half century mark, I can say I am healthier than as a girl. My body is strong, if not exactly fit. And I can still swim like the otters, which I used to joke were probably my real parents.

It is regretful that I’m now shaped more like a manatee. I also miss the joy of swimming a murky lake with a young lover. It’s amazing what a couple can do when one of you is virtually unsinkable.

Ah, memories. Thank heaven I still have them.

So, my dears, do you do anything special to celebrate your birthday?

-

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Flash Fiction - A Short Story Packed into One Chapter

First Date

Marko crooned in stooping to pet the cat, earning him points in Frank’s book. Thumb and forefinger formed an “O” to swipe the circumference of the upright tail to the end. The tip flip flopped encouragingly.

“Male or female?”

“Female.”

“What’s her name?” Marko asked, petting her behind the ears so that she purred.

“Miss Whiskers,” Frank said, feeling his face flush slightly. “My sister and I were kids when we named her.”

“It’s cute. What do you call her for short?”

“It used to be Missy but now I’m more likely to call her Whiskey. It fits her better; she’s a no fuss cat.”

“And she responds to any of the three?”

“Are you kidding? She’s a cat. She’ll respond to a plate of food. The rest of the attention she gives me is icing on the cake.”

Marko stood, swiping long hair from his neck. A grin lit his angular face, softening attractively sharp features to make him look younger than his professed twenty-four. Frank suddenly thought he looked better than any old cake, even one with his favorite butter cream frosting.

“Your bio mentioned two cats.”

“Bigelow is a big fraidy cat. He hides the moment the doorbell rings.”

“Bigelow?”

“He’s huge. Has been since I got him from the shelter. They just called him Big Boy.”

“I hope I can meet him later. Maybe after the movie he’ll be willing to greet me without the doorbell to scare him.”

Frank couldn’t believe he’d heard right. Marko acted awfully sure of this first date. Their eyes met over the silence. Standing about the same height as Frank, Marko seemed to suddenly realize what he said by the slight widening of his eyes.

“Uh, shall we go? We’ll have time to get snacks and watch all the previews if we leave now.”

“Sounds good. We might not catch a cab right away, anyway.”

“I told the driver to wait.”

Frank liked that Marko showed no ulterior motive in agreeing to meet at his apartment. He tested his first dates that way, and most never survived to a second. They usually pushed intimacy too fast for Frank’s comfort

He shut the door soundly on that thought and locked it just as surely as he did the physical door to his New York apartment. He might have needed a shoehorn to move in but it served well as home for the three “people”, as Frank liked to think of his feline buddies.

“Your place is nice,” Marko praised belatedly.

Following on his thought about the size, Frank almost laughed. Instead, he managed to thank the other man with only a slightly self deprecating comment.

“It’s tiny, but it’s home.”

“Who needs a big place when you’re young, anyway? I have a shoebox, myself. I’d rather spend my money on living than a place to sleep my life away.”

“I like the way you think.”

They exchanged good humor at that, their chuckles echoing in the elevator they entered. The pair already knew what movie to see, having decided while communicating through the gay dating website.

Plans changed when they agreed that the movie stunk. The conclusion occurred to Frank early on but Marko spoke up first.

“You’re an old movie buff. What about watching a classic instead of this 3D mess?”

Plan B took shape by the time they returned to Frank’s place. Soon they munched popcorn and sipped beer over a romantic comedy from the forties.

“Better?”

“Much,” Frank agreed.

The clean-cut brunette’s agreement grew when Marko’s hand brushed his in the popcorn bowl. An on-screen kiss led to an admirable imitation on the couch with Marko taking the initiative. He turned Frank, whose fingers tangled in shaggy blond locks. Frank tugged lightly until their lips parted.

“Too fast?” Marko breathed.

“I don’t know.”

“Then let’s just relax and watch the DVD.”

“Okay,” Frank answered.

The coiled heat in Frank’s abdomen protested a shift to again face front from the sofa. Reaching for his beer, he saw Bigelow chose that moment to walk in front of the television.

“Hey, boy!”

The Maine Coon mix trotted to Marko’s outstretched hand. Bigelow sniffed, then batted his forehead against the back of Mark’s knuckles, a sure sign of acceptance.

“I think he likes me,” Marko enthused.

“I’ve never seen anyone allowed to touch him on the first visit.”

“Technically, it’s my second.”

“Oh, yeah,” Frank mumbled. “I guess it is.”

“You’re really cute when you blush. What if I told you I’d like to spend the night and make more of you blush?”

“I’d say we’re definitely rushing things, then.”

“All right. Let’s finish the movie and I’ll go.”

“Really? I don’t mean to be a jerk.”

“Hey, you’re just being honest. I respect that.”

After the closing scene, Marko stuck to his promise. Frank saw him off with a chaste kiss and plans to go out the following day. Nothing specific set other than where to meet, not even a time, Frank found himself unable to sleep.

The doorbell rang about forty-five minutes later. Wide awake, Frank walked to the door in his boxers figuring his neighbor just wanted to talk about her boyfriend trouble. He never should have started offering an ear at all hours. Instead, Marko stood in the doorway with a box of donuts.

“Hey, Frank. I figure it’s tomorrow. I hope you don’t mind.” To the unasked question, he answered, “My uncle owns the pastry shop around the corner. These were just made for the morning rush.”

“They smell like heaven. I don’t know, though. I’m dressed for bed and everything.”

“Perfect,” Marko growled. “Oh, yeah, there’s that red face. Come on, let me in. I won’t go any farther than you want. We can even watch another movie if you like.”

Frank nodded, smiling. Bigelow liked the man, after all, which said a lot. And the donuts would help keep his inner werewolf at bay. It wasn’t meat but, with any luck, Marko would survive the night so they could enjoy getting to know one another.

Mostly, anyway.

-

Friday, May 14, 2010

I'm published!

Granted, my e-book is freely available for downloads, but it was given away prior and therefore, I feel, unethical for me to attempt selling. And it's for a good cause, to promote traffic on Mel Keegan's wiki site, The GLBT Bookshelf! The man kindly put together my humble story with a beautiful cover by Jade. If you're interested in great, gay oriented fiction, come on over for some great titles! Please stop by and support our various artists:

Free Gay Reads

Below you'll find an excerpt. First, I need to rectify an error. I neglected to credit any of the wonderful folks who aid and inspire my writing. Special thanks to Dilo Keith, A. Catherine Noon, Nikki Memmott, Evilynne, and Myladymystere! You've all improved my writing (any and all shortcomings are mine alone). For anyone not listed, please forgive my need for brevity!

Now, meet Michael Blanc, Corporate Stress Reliever by trade and optimist by choice. He knows all too well that life can throw rotten fruit in your face. In 2186, Michael makes the most of just desserts. Employed as confidante and lover to those that make up the whipped cream topping on that big apple pie, New York, New York, Michael has survived the whipping and now nibbles a nice, big slice of the pie.

Excerpt from "Memoirs of a Corporate Stress Reliever":

“Michael,” Javier crooned. “You look magnifico.”

“I feel magnificent, thanks to you.”

The fact that he used my first name indicates his pride more than anything else he could have said. We both know my relationship with Mr. X is like securing a pension. I don’t plan on ever being exclusively his and that suits me just fine.

I soon reach the car, a classy current model. The firm keeps nothing junky and replaces anything outmoded. That edict extends to people. Today, confident and titillated, I don’t allow the knowledge to bother me in the slightest.

My surety fades as time passes and I am alone in my office to rattle about the space. He’s a busy man whose schedule can change in a heartbeat yet I never failed to get a courtesy call before this. Not from him, understandably, the word filters down to some undersecretary charged with my notification.

I keep telling myself this lapse has nothing of import attached. The unprecedented consideration was never forthcoming in any other organization, let alone from the CEO!

Forcing myself, I eat my lunchtime salad. Gloves and jacket come off for this, then are put right back on when I finish. Half the food tossed, the usually tasty staple held no taste for me. I remain too aware of the clock and Javier’s obviously wasted effort on my appearance, not to mention my waste to the company’s bottom line.

I’m standing in front of the full length mirror primping again when I hear his code unlock the door. Thank the shadow faeries! I couldn’t schedule anyone else in his stead without permission and zero productivity is a black mark no matter what the cause.

Flanking him are two identical young women. Girls, really, they offend me with their presence. How dare he sully my space so? And I can say nothing, essentially owned by way of my contract.

He ushers the dull creatures inside. Eyes bleary, he gropes one unsteadily. She shows no response, obviously doped for smuggling. It makes me sick.

“I brought you a souvenir. There’s one for each of us!”

Bile rising, I swallow my fury and revulsion. Mentally I seek some excuse, a way out, knowing none exists.

“You should see your face. I’m sorry. Bad joke,” he scolds himself. Then he yells at the closed door, “Smith! Take your trash away!”

Turning back to me, he grins lopsidedly. Is he drunk? If I didn’t know better, I’d say he smells like grain alcohol. A decade since prohibition, defunct drinking establishments have all turned into oxygen and juice bars.

The other man makes two attempts with his own code before entering. His nose and cheeks are beet red.

“See? Michael’s not amused. That was mean,” Smith slurs.

He genuinely respects me. I’d been a sympathetic ear over several bad deals and one rotten divorce. I’ll try to forget this procurement of the twins he hauls out of sight. He winks at us behind their skinny backs.

I secure the entrance against additional intrusion. When I turn back, the master of my domain has quietly sprawled in a doze on the couch. Now what?

Remembering my training, I put on his favorite instrumental and take a seat close by. The music has always helped him relax and he sleeps safe and well. This resolution ends my distress if leaving me bored. I try to think of boredom as extravagance instead of what it is. I dislike inactivity. In any case, I have the visit on record.

Allowing my mind to drift, I slip into a waking dream state to halt the encroaching restlessness. My comportment calm, I preserve a rigid posture of ready servitude.

A shift beside me calls back my awareness. Bloodshot eyes regard me. They are not unkind, almost apologetic.

I hope this whets your appetite. A steamier snippet is up on my Sand Castles blog. Happy reading!