Health, Humor, & Hoaxes

Laughter, so the old saying goes, is the best medicine. In this current first world climate of trigger warnings and safe spaces, I cling to my juvenile sense of humor like a life raft. During Tuesday’s brief hospital stay I made a point of engaging with anyone around me in (usually) the most irreverent manner possible.

Warning: My mind tends to work like that of a seventeen year old boy. Heh…

Take the ER nurse and her efforts to enter an expiration date off a plasma unit into the computer. Nobody knew how to help her, she just fiddled with the touch screen until something worked, and said, “You just have to massage it until something happens.”

“I’ve heard that before,” I said to her bark of amusement and my husband’s feigned disgust.

~grin~

So-called gallows humor can also help keep one sane in grim situations. I’ve heard that over and over again including from the EMT who attended my 4am ambulance ride. He offered to share what he considers his funniest job related incident with the advisory warning it was “inappropriate”.

“I’m all ears,” I replied.

Warning: the following anecdote is both bawdy and a bit gory (NSFW)

Called to the aid of a middle aged woman who fell and cut the back of her head on a concrete step, EMT Matthew found her blood covered and inebriated to the point she felt no pain. Of course, she also refused to cooperate.

“Please don’t take me to the hospital,” she implored several times. “I don’t want to go with you.”

“Fine with me,” he replied, “but you’re going one way or the other. If not with me, then the men with the steel bracelets.”

“But I’ll give you a [use your imagination] if you let me go.”

“Nah… I’m good,” he answered, eyebrows no doubt shooting toward his hairline.

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Considering our senses of humor imperative to a strong bond, my husband and I appreciate whatever amuses us be it a spontaneous quip, unique circumstance, or a contrived marketing campaign. A recent late night prank involved a bit of all three.

With apologies, I need to share some back story. The long past incident inspiring my latest hoax involved a short trip and an archaic GPS device. We expected directions to our hotel. Instead the Magellan model announced, “You have reached your destination” – outside an open cemetery gate.

In an instant my witty husband observed, “Yeah. Our final destination.”

And we crack up over the Allstate Insurance ‘mayhem’ commercials, especially when the actor portrays a global positioning device that causes an accident and announces, “Recalculating” with a mischievous grin. You can see I incorporated these elements in setting up this campy, Halloween themed scene.

That's 'Mayhem' Escaping
~shakes head~
I'm Silly

Can You See the Zombie Rising from my Miniature Cemetery?

And here is that inspirational, hilarious commercial:

Do you enjoy the occasional prank?

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Low Tech for the Win!

Of late I have found myself using valuable writing time pouring over and polishing the same words instead of putting down new. Or I’m taking a ‘break’ and nosing about on social media. Yesterday I decided that needed to change.

I set aside the laptop and pulled out my trusty AlphaSmart 3000. Thanks are owed dear friends, talented writers A. Catherine Noon and Rachel Wilder, for telling me about these gadgets. To warn you, their web page is NSFW; like me, they like it spicy. A few years ago I found mine on eBay for under $20! And that included a wall power plug and the cable for transferring data to any computer.

Dead Rechargeable Battery Taken Out, AA's Last for Ages!

Besides not granting Internet access, these babies limit how many sentences you can see at a time. That helps sharpen focus, as well. In fact, I replicate that by shrinking my MSWord and Scrivener document screens as you see below.

Added Bonus, My Inspirational Eye Candy is Visible

By the time SO returned from the grocery store wanting assistance I’d written 1,474 words worth of new story in a few hours. I was one happy camper.

Have you ever seen an AlphaSmart?

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Fifteenth Century Architecture - NSFW

As mentioned in the title, this post is not safe for work, but that part is reserved for the bottom if you want to sneak a peak. I just found this on Twitter a few minutes ago.

In case you can't read the print, Black Pigeon Speaks typed, "People didn't have social media in the 15th century, so it would appear that they used gargoyles to troll their local village." What dedication to serving cold revenge!

See That Little Arrow Over the Roof, Several Stories Up?

That's Craftsmanship!

I can only guess this was found during restoration. What do you think?

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Dress for Success

One thing dear friends and co-authors A. Catherine Noon and Rachel Wilder (website is NSFW) taught me about publishing is that you want to have a ‘brand’. And that includes having a certain style for meeting your book fans at conventions.

I remember seeing these ladies get ready for a holiday party with their publisher in my part of the Midwestern United States, how they both regaled me. You see, we usually hang out for a few days out of the year in casual, comfy clothes.

So far I’ve only sold a short story and haven’t had the will to try for more. But my recent online purchase of a butterfly wing patterned dress got me to thinking that it might be the sort of thing I would wear to book signing conventions.

Liz of Laws of Gravity was kind in asking for a photo of me in the dress but I’m still camera shy. So here’s a photograph of the dress after it arrived in the post. It’s hanging over the bathtub because, for some reason, the garment showed up at my house soaking wet.

Garnered Several Compliments
Some From Strangers

Needless to say, I washed the dress before wearing. The fit and length (about mid shin) turned out to be perfect, I’m happy to say.

What do you think of a butterfly themed style for a romance/erotica writer?

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Lesson Learned

Note to self: don garden gloves before handling cucumber plants. Otherwise that invisible little scratch on the back of an index finger swells into a throbbing, itching little ache.

I should know better, not even walking the yard without full foot coverage.  Hurray for liquid bandage killing some of the urge to scratch and rub.

In honor of my stupidity I want to share the video matching my title, if not the content.

WARNING: Video is not safe for work (NSFW) or suitable for children. There is seriously implied violence, lots of nudity, and intense sexual content. Good stuff. ~grin~ Gotta love Alice in Chains videos.

Do you grow a summer vegetable garden? Are you like my partner anticipating lots of preservation canning?

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Embracing My Power Animal

Totem animals tying to our human spirit is a worldwide shamanic concept. The symbolism might be powerful, but what comes to mind are comedic pop culture references such as in the movie “Fight Club” and an episode of the absurdly fun cartoon show “Metalocalypse”.

Left to Right: Bassist William Murderface as the Tiger, Drummer Pickles Befitting as an Octopus, Lead Singer Nathan Explosion as a Cobra, Lead Guitarist Skwisgaar Skwigelf as the Owl, and My Favorite, Gentle Rhythm Guitarist Toki Wartooth as a Rabbit

WARNING: Video is Not Safe for Work

I found a quiz online, too. It takes a few minutes. My animal is supposedly the butterfly, which I find amusing after Saturday night’s bedtime revelation.

It began like any other night. I pulled aside the covers preparing to lie down. But this time I found a centipede racing toward me. I yelped, leapt backward into the bathroom, and flipped the light switch.

The thing veered away, down, and under the bed. Exhausted, I shrugged and lay down. Sleep followed soon after, but not before I realized a need to rethink my relationship with these creepy crawlies. After all, they hunt and kill harmful insects that could otherwise invade my home bringing disease.

In addition, all the floods inflicted upon our home have all but convinced me the place is infested by a water sprite. What loves water? Centipedes.

I don’t think my totem creature is the butterfly. Mine has no wings but a fierce predatory spirit and plenty of venom. I can live with that.

What about you? Would (or did) you take the quiz?

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K is for Michael Kiwanuka

“Love & Hate” is a fantastic song. Mr. Kiwanuka really moves me with these lyrics. And the quietly soaring guitar toward the end raises the hair on my arms. If you play the video, be warned that the sound gets muffled when the point of view shifts behind the sound booth (there is nothing wrong with your speakers).



For K, I’m going to make up Knotty Pine, my ode to the final episode of “American Horror Story: Coven”. Hearing Jessica Lang’s evil character howl upon recognizing her eternal afterlife always makes me grin. My fake Knotty Pine foursome, however, plays old school country and western. One of the guys plays a wicked banjo.
I can’t resist sharing the great Johnny Cash covering Trent Reznor’s “Hurt”. 



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All the real tunes air on member supported WNKU out of the University of Northern Kentucky. The web page features the current playlist and live streaming.

J is for Joseph

These three sisters from Portland, Oregon once again bring female representation to the challenge. I had the immense pleasure of hearing a live performance of “White Flag” early one Sunday morning and knew they had to be included in this. Their harmonizing blew me away. Also of note, Joseph isn’t the only folk act making an appearance (See Dawg Yawp under D). Am I mellowing as I age? Maybe a little, but I still listen to Marilyn Manson on a regular basis.

My fake band Jam Joy changed their name from Joy Jam as a self deprecating joke. The original salacious pun got switched when fifteen years at small venues failed to produce any studio interest. These aging artists insist they will continue to jam live for their loyal fans as long as they are able to stand upright and play. They sound a little like Cute Is What We Aim For.

WARNING: Not safe for work due to sexual content.

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All the real tunes air on member supported WNKU out of the University of Northern Kentucky. The web page features the current playlist and live streaming.

H is for The Heavy

I am listening to “How You Like Me Now” while typing this.  The Heavy is a British band, a fact that stunned me.  I pictured them hailing from the southern United States, maybe Louisiana. Apparently the tune has been sampled in the media numerous times. Somehow I missed out hearing the funk rock tune until more than six years after its 2010 release.

WARNING: this might not be safe for work. There is some nudity, though it’s cartoonish (!). I had a blast watching this one.

For a phony music group, I’d like to introduce you to Heartfelt.  Two female cousins started a tribute band honoring sisters Ann and Nancy Wilson of Heart.  They have been playing small venues nearly as long as their heroines.



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All the real tunes air on member supported WNKU out of the University of Northern Kentucky. The web page features the current playlist and live streaming.

G is for Al Green

I have to give a shout out to The Reverend Al Green, so nicknamed because – why not? The man needs some sort of title with all that talent. “Here I Am (Come and Take Me)” came out at the end of 1973. Wrongfully, I believe, that was his last album to be certified gold. The man’s music is not in my collection, something I ought to rectify.



Today’s manufactured band is called Ground Zero. Born in the Cold War era, they continue touring on material from a single album. And that can happen. Just check out the Skatenigs (WARNING: the video below has mature language and is definitely NOT safe for work).



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All the real tunes air on member supported WNKU out of the University of Northern Kentucky. The web page features the current playlist and live streaming.

Fun with Corel Painter 2017

For years now I have sat on a baker's dozen of short stories. They feature shapeshifters, angst, and lots of erotica. Recently I started rewrites and found myself falling in love with the characters all over again.

The male werewolf protagonist is way more of a licentious bad boy, his wereleopardess girlfriend more volatile. It's a blast to explore.

Meanwhile, I have a model's photograph that suits the look of my mid '90's era rebellious hair band holdover of an aspiring rock star (whew - that was a mouthful).

I know his look wouldn't be everyone's cup of tea but I adore him. Yet I found myself wanting to toy with his image, make him appear more ethereal. But how? After a quick search I found a free month's trial of Corel Painter 2017.

It's pricey and I'm not sure I could justify spending the money. All the same, with no kickback from the company, I want to give a shout-out to Corel. The product is amazing and a live chat with customer service proved fast, friendly, and informative.

Warning: half naked man ahead. Probably NSFW, so I'll make you scroll down if you want to see...

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On the left is the lovely model au naturel. I could eat him with a spoon just as he is...


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To the right is my tweaked image. I'm just tickled this old gal progressed so far learning the software in three days, but is the blue too much like a merman? Let me know what you think (as long as you like him ~grin~).

'Nicky' was very patient as I lavished attention upon one nipple

If anyone knows this model's name I'd be very grateful (I'm not hopeful, this image is nearly a decade old).

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