As mentioned in the title,
this post is not exactly family friendly. And if you are ill at ease reading
intimacy, please feel free to give the following a skip. It’s a little beyond
suggestive. Instead, feel free to enjoy once again a boy in a dress during this past LA Fashion Week.
~grin~
~grin~
 |
| Remington Leith of Palaye Royale |
If you are hanging in there, let me first say I’m sorry that
I did not participate in the Facebook group Rainbow Snippets the last several
weekends, in part due to our long trip out of town. Today I am too busy trying
to get back into (re)writing and catching up on laundry to do those talented
authors justice (reading their snippets and commenting).
But in the process of working
on “The Cat Who Ate the Canary” this afternoon I decided to take a minute and
share something anyway.
The five sentence snippet is
meant to illustrate the weakness of a character who breaks off relations with
his morally ambiguous, manipulative ex-wife. I’ve struggled with the
sentence/paragraph structure before. Today I think I may have gotten it better.
If you have a minute, please
read the former and latter incarnations and tell me what you think. I
appreciate constructive feedback. As for back story, Jackson is getting turned on by a stranger and wonders if he should have continued relations with his ex. Thank you, Lisa, for mentioning the confusion.
Before today:
Lighting a cigarette, Pamela
announced her pregnancy by the fertile new husband lying in post coital
infidelity. Jackson
held his breath and his tongue that day. He walked out that motel room door
with socks stuffed in his jacket pocket and became a devoted hermit at the ripe
old age of twenty-seven.
He
had not regretted the decision for one minute. Until tonight.
My revision:
Lying with her ex-husband in
post coital infidelity, Pamela waved a lit cigarette announcing her pregnancy
by the fertile new spouse. Jackson
held his breath and his tongue, and walked through that motel room door with
socks stuffed in his jacket pocket.
A
devoted hermit at the ripe old age of twenty-seven, he had not regretted the
decision for one minute. Until tonight.
~
In the first one, doesn’t it
read like the new husband is lying with his wife in post coital infidelity? ~snicker~ I hope you’re having a lovely weekend!
I am sitting here watching the Sex and the City movie on E so I don't think I would find anything you write offensive :) I like your improvements.
ReplyDeleteSweet! Thank you. You're a dear.
DeleteI am not sure what I thought, but the original was confusing! I didn't think she was with the new husband, but I didn't know the man with her was her ex either. The rewrite is much clearer.
ReplyDeleteAlthough, is he regretting his decision to stay a hermit because he wishes she were pregnant with his child, and they were still together, forming a family? He's better off without her. So's her new husband!
The weekend's damp, but okay. Somehow I slept until 10:27 this morning!!!
Hope you had a nice trip away.
Thank you for the thoughts! I had a good trip and hope you enjoyed the rest of your day, my dear. I can see where the confusion lies with his thoughts and should clarify. Be well!
DeleteHey there....hoping you had a great trip. I sort like both. They both had my attention.
ReplyDeleteThank you! You're very kind. It was a grand trip, if a bit hot. Who knew? Oh, well. I still got to fly my kite and sit on the beach some. Who can beat seashore wildlife and waves? I hope you're having a lovely Sunday.
DeleteThe second one is clearer, but I got the first one too. If you know who Jackson is it's easier to know who she was with.
ReplyDeleteHave a fabulous day and week and welcome home. You've been missed. ♥
Thanks for all the kind words! I've missed you, too, though oddly I've not missed social media per se. On that note, I need to get back to Jackson's story before he stalks off. Heh... Be well, my dear.
DeleteSecond one is clearer but I suppose anyone who had read what had come before would know who was who. Even so, I prefer the second version, I thinks it flows slightly better.
ReplyDeleteThank you! I agree. You're kind to take time and offer opinion. Be well!
DeleteYeah, the first one was difficult to decipher. The second one is still a bit too wordy. Should it be laying and not lying? I get those two verbs mixed up all the time. That first sentence...
ReplyDeleteNot knowing what's around the snippet, I can't say for sure if a show, not tell might be better here. Like, how did she say she was pregnant?
Thanks for the comments! It's good having so many talented writers as friends. ~grin~ Be well!
Delete