Thursday Thirteen

I never expected to own a home. Somehow, I always thought my future would be one of drifting and moving - so much for that sketchy, romantic plan. Now inertia has set in and the likelihood of moving dwindles more every day. Instead of lamenting, I’ve decided to list thirteen positive reasons for staying put.

While sometimes tempted to have a pessimistic slant, such as the money poured into the place, I happily never resorted to negativity.

1. The loan was signed on Halloween night – It’s my favorite holiday and I still remember driving to the empty residence with a cautious lookout for trick-or-treaters

2. My driveway is short and straight – silly sounding but convenient in many ways, including when the region received last winter’s record snowfall

3. Hardly anyone races vehicles down our street since the neighborhood is a series of cul-de-sacs

4. There is only one way in and out – see above, as it cuts down on traffic

5. The house is brick with a minimum of painting required around the eaves

6. None of the neighbors pile junk in their yards – not since the small-time punk drug dealers moved, anyway

7. Folks are mostly very friendly – one guy offered to mow the bottom strip of our steep backyard so we don’t have to drag the mower down stone steps

8. Our crime rate is extremely low to the best of my knowledge (I should probably bring that up with other residents, though I engage a monitored alarm system daily, either way)

9. The suburb is situated within a reasonable drive of three metropolitan areas – museums, sporting arenas, and my favorite, music venues, abound

10. Scores of fine restaurants populate the entire region

11. Well-maintained bicycle trails extend for miles – a beautiful stretch runs right through my town

12. A state-of-the-art furnace controls the climate – to quote Jason Lee as Azrael in “Dogma”, “There is no pleasure, no rapture, no exquisite sin greater, than central air.”

13. And hands down, the best reason is Amorphophallus titanium. Implausibly thriving by my front door, this botanical gem was sold unwittingly under the name “snake plant” for the mottled, reptilian-looking stalks supporting a delicate network of leaves. Native to the equatorial rainforests of Sumatra, this specimen blooms infrequently in the wild. This spring, for the third time since I brought it home, the huge bloom is emerging from the ground inches every day. The dark green spear currently resembles an excited model of a mammalian body part for which botanists named the species. Before the month is through, the odor of decaying flesh will flood the entrance to my home as this look-alike to the related calla lily opens its titanic inflorescence. Then the majestic, reeking structure will collapse and I won’t see the beautiful foliage until June or even July. This spectacle will keep me put as surely as anything, I must admit.