Thursday 13

I heard a rude but funny comment about relationships on my favorite adult cartoon, "Metalocalypse". Scientists claimed that most married couples end up with what they "like to call livable hatred." I said I preferred the term, "amicable apathy" and got a good laugh. Unfortunately, that's how I feel some days.

With that in mind, please read the thirteen things off the top of my head that I never want to hear from my partner again. Ever.

1. “Oh, I grabbed a burger while I was out. I had a craving.”
This is fine unless delivered shortly after, “Happy birthday.”

2. “Are you done?”
Unspoken: Why do you have to write all the time?

3. “I leave you alone. Don’t I?”
Meaning: Aren’t I a good little martyr?

4. “Can you let it go?”
Translation: Stop crying because I want to watch this. This happened once. I don’t expect a repeat.

5. “The movie rated high on IMDB.”
What it means: I’m about to put my pen down to waste precious hours of production time at an overpriced cinema.

6. “It’s over,” in answer to my question of how his day working from home has gone.
What I hear: I don’t want to talk about my day or hear about yours.

7. “What happened to global warming?”
I don’t care whether you believe in it or not, constantly hearing this has gotten very old.

8. A groan of complaint when I start my car to drive us somewhere.
Unspoken: It’s really great that you’re learning Japanese as long as I don’t have to hear your audio lessons.

9. “Go ahead and buy it. It’s not like you have any bills.”
Unspoken: I won’t complain openly about managing the finances, nor will I ask for assistance (see martyrdom, above).

10. “My friends will be lined up to marry you when I’m gone.”
Great. Remind me that I’m likely to become a widow some day (no, I really don’t want that yet). But why assume I’d want to remarry? I’d prefer a life coach, a financial manager, and a cabana boy at this point in my life.

11. “I’m sleeping with the ‘prince’ tonight.”
This references a line about prescription sleeping pills in the film “Beetlejuice” and I’ve heard this, well, I don’t know how many times. I’d have to check his medical history.

12. “Just give me fifteen minutes,” snapped at me over a shoulder.
Translation: However long this computer game takes, you’ll still be here but this pretend ore I’m mining won’t.

13. Any movie quote when I’m trying to have a serious conversation.
Interpretation: I’m listening to you but I don’t really want to hear what you have to say.